Before You Call It Undermining, Look at the Conversation

I recently had a conversation with a friend who manages a thriving veterinary practice.

He told me he was struggling with some of his of employees of the opposite gender. One employee in particular is in a leadership role, and he felt like she dismissed his recommendations, questioned his decisions, and undermined his authority.

He asked me how I deal with team members of the opposite gender.

My answer was pretty simple.

I don't manage based on gender.

I try to lead people with respect, compassion, and understanding. I don't care who you are or what you look like. I'm going to respect you, and then I'm going to figure out how to communicate with you.

Because a huge part of management is adapting.

You learn your people. You learn how they communicate, what motivates them, where their strengths are, and sometimes where you need to adjust your own approach.

So before I agreed that what he was experiencing was a gender issue, I asked him to do something.

Write down the incidents.

Not just the incidents involving this particular employee. Think about other situations where he felt questioned, dismissed, or challenged.

I wanted to see the pattern.

And as we talked through some of those interactions, something stood out to me.

He was announcing changes. He wasn't really creating an opportunity for conversation.

A decision had been made. The team was told what was changing. And when this employee questioned the decision, he interpreted the questioning as undermining his authority.

That's where I stopped him.

Because questioning your decision and undermining your authority are not necessarily the same thing.

Sometimes somebody is just asking:

Why?

And I don't think that's automatically a bad thing.

The Fundamentals of Communication Are Pretty Simple

I don't think communication needs to be as difficult as we make it.

There are absolutely things we have to consider.

Culture matters. Personality matters. Different generations communicate differently. Some people make very little eye contact. Some people don't smile much. Some people ask a million questions. Some people need to walk away, process what you said, and come back later.

That's okay.

We don't have to assign negative meaning to every behavior that's different from our own.

Someone questioning you doesn't automatically mean they don't respect you.

Someone not making eye contact doesn't automatically mean they're not listening.

Someone disagreeing with you doesn't automatically mean they're trying to undermine you.

Sometimes we make communication harder because we've already decided what the other person's behavior means.

The fundamentals really aren't complicated:

Be respectful. Say what you mean. Listen. Ask questions. Clarify when necessary.

And maybe stop trying to read minds.

Now, Does Gender Bias Exist?

Of course it does.

I've experienced it.

Early in my career, I worked with a seasoned male technician who wasn't particularly interested in taking direction from me.

At some point he made a comment along the lines of:

"I don't listen to women. They're too emotional."

Well, well, well.

🤣

That one didn't require a communication assessment.

He pretty much handed me the diagnosis.

And considering how many women work in veterinary medicine, that philosophy wasn't going to take him very far.

But that's also why I think we need to look at the actual behavior before deciding what's happening.

I've experienced gender bias.

I'm not dismissing it.

But every time a male employee questions a female manager or vice versa, that doesn’t automatically mean gender is the reason.

And every time an employee questions a manager, that doesn't automatically mean they're being insubordinate.

Sometimes the issue is the employee.

Sometimes the issue is the manager.

Sometimes both people are contributing to it.

And sometimes nobody is actually doing anything wrong.

They just haven't figured out how to communicate with each other yet.

Ask Yourself the Uncomfortable Question

This is the part of leadership that isn't always fun.

We are really good at analyzing everyone else's behavior.

Why is he so difficult?

Why does she always question me?

Why can't they just do what I asked?

Okay.

But before we spend too much time analyzing them, maybe we should analyze ourselves.

How did you communicate the change?

Did you explain why?

Did you give people an opportunity to ask questions?

And here's the question I think managers should ask themselves more often:

If someone communicated with me the way I just communicated with my team, how would I receive it?

You might still decide you handled it perfectly.

Great.

You might also realize...

Yeah. I probably could've done that differently.

Also great.

That's growth.

Listening Doesn't Mean Everyone Gets a Vote

I want to be clear about this too.

Giving your team an opportunity to ask questions doesn't mean your practice suddenly becomes a democracy.

There are decisions I'm going to make as a manager that the team may not like.

Sometimes I have information they don't have. Sometimes it's financial. Sometimes it's legal. Sometimes it's a medical standard. Sometimes something simply has to change.

You can hear someone's concern and still say:

"I understand where you're coming from. This is why we're making the change, and this is still the direction we're going."

That's okay.

Listening doesn't require agreement.

And someone questioning your decision doesn't take away your authority.

If anything, I'd rather someone respectfully ask me why we're doing something than walk away frustrated, complain to five coworkers, and never actually talk to me about it.

Ask me.

Let's talk about it.

Maybe there's something I haven't considered.

Maybe there's something you haven't considered.

Or maybe after we talk about it, neither one of us changes our mind.

That's okay too.

Before You Decide What the Problem Is...

Look at the pattern.

Look at the behavior.

Look at how this person communicates with other people.

Look at how you communicate with them.

If someone is disrespecting you because of your gender, that's a problem and it should be addressed.

If someone is genuinely undermining your leadership, that's a problem too.

But if someone simply disagreed with you or asked you to explain a decision?

Maybe we don't need to make it more complicated than that.

Leadership doesn't mean nobody questions you.

Sometimes leadership means being confident enough to hear the question.

Sooo tell me..

Have you ever thought someone was undermining you and later realized it was actually a communication issue? Or have you experienced genuine gender bias in the workplace? I'd love to hear your experience.

Practical tips, honest insights, and gentle support for veterinary professionals navigating the realities of clinic life.

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